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i didnt think i still had the willpower left, i mean i had messed up for so long. but so far i was able to limit myself to what was needed and actually got full! its amazing how full you actually get when you go slow and give the food time so settle.
im so proud of myself.
today = day two of abc
tomorrow will be great also!
ps. i have overcome my weakness. i can go to work for 8 hours-around all food mind you- and not pig out. i bring food from home and make sure to only eat half. sometimes less.. that way i dont freak myself out by thinking i dont have somethingto eat.
when i actually have something i never really want it? its weird.
anyways day 2 was completed wonderfully, without cheating. as a matter of fact i only had water=10 cals(flavored) & about 3 litres of normal water so that i would be full :), 1/2 mr. noodles=190, and i was on the go all day. school then work from 8am-11pm.
total=200cals :)
- Location:my bed
- Mood:accomplished
500 cals exactly! day one of abc :D
yay me!
ten reasons i want will get thin and perfect....
1; to look good in skinny jeans
2; to be able to wear a bikini
3; to not care when part of my shirt shows some of my back
4; to feel bones
5; to see bones
6; to be beautiful
7; so that my belly ring looks nice
8; to prove to myself that i have self control
9; to be perfect
10; to have a chance at being happy!!!
- Mood:
disappointed
Snack:nothing (zero)
Lunch:nada (zero)
Snack: 1 orange (35) + crackers (50)
Supper: Chicken Breast (141) + eggsalad (47?) + broccoli (32?)
Total=385
under 400cals today!
Okay day, im proud of myself.
starting ABC :)
- Mood:
hopeful
lunch:water
snack:slice of apple & water
supper:chinese
I started out well. Tomorrow i will do even better. I didn't have much chinese food though, so im content.
tomorrow i will have even more power!
Xo.
well atleast i got 24.5; maybe now i can get
& i will not get weak again. i will NOTget light headed.
* how come the only thing that lets us survive, is the mere thing we all dispise so much?
* The person who can drive themselves further once the effort gets painful is the person who will win.
- Mood: sad
my aunt and uncle told me that i need to take care of my eating habits. i almost took a heart attack!, i eat infront of them then purge. I never make it obvious, so i thought?
I got really upset and told her that i thought i was actually doing good now & she told me that she hasn't seen me eat for a few days? i dont get it because with the exception of monday & friday i did eat..
well i realised my weakness, its being home alone, having money, and being at work.
if im home alone-even if im not hungry- i will raid the house for food! if i have money i will order food at night if i had a good day. and work., well i work alone with lots of junk. so i eat it because its there. even last night i bought 4 different things and ate 2 last night & thought about the other two ALL day today while i was at school.
If im home and noone cooks im good, i wont make food, if im at school i wont eat. Its being alone that makes me mess up!
anyways on the plus side(possibly negative side, im not sure) im kind of depressed right now so i wont eat that often. Thursday night i took 18 tylenol 3''s
and fucked up my system.
now food doesn't taste the same.
anways i have to go do my homework, but im going to see how long my liquid fast can last. i have no more treats so it should last til atleast the weekend.
or wait, im going out with my mom thursday and getting a tattoo so she will prolly take me out. damn.
then its my friends birthday friday so i will prolly be eating food. damn damn
then i work & my moms birthday on saturday so i will take her out to eat.
i will gain willpower & just eat fruits and veggies on thursday to break the fast, then restrict for the weekend then go on a week long fast.!
i guess i can do a 72 hour fast then ill be safe to eat veggies with mom thursday.!
thats what i will do, a 72 hour fast. then 3 days of veggies and STRICT restricting, that way my friends and mom wont suspect a thing. & then start back up on sunday and make it last as long as i can before my aunt and uncle suspect.
- Location:my bedroom
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:none
& i did something stupid. i decided to take 10 of them, i dont feel anything yet. I wonder if i will ?
i hate my life so much, no matter how much i try to be ' happy ' for my family & friends, the more shit
i feel when im alone!
i am at a loss again. its just as if it was this time last year again.
back when i tried to commit suicide. for so long now i wanted to go back to cutting, but i dont want to
put my family through that again. So i decided to go back to self-induced vomiting.
Why i do this shit to myself is beyond me! I know the side effects of everything i do-i mean i sit on the
computer and research EVERYTHING! & yet i still do this shit to myself, and get upset when someone
i know does something like it.
im such a failure too! Last night was my friends sisters going away/birthday dinner at this crazy restaurant
called the keg. and i bought garlic bread(which i only had a few bites and passed it around the table), salad
(also, i did not finish), and the main course; shrimp, steak & a baked potato.
Fortunately i ate only the shrimp, and 1/4 of the steak because i was too full off of water :)
it was all i ate yesterday but i am still a failure because i wanted to go puke so bad, but didnt want anyone
to ask questions.
fuck!
- Location:my bedroom
- Mood: worried
- Music:none
I HATE this fucking SHIT they call 'Life'.
If one more stupid thing happens to me i swear i will go NUTS!
let me just fill you all in.
First off this week is Exams. I worked my ass off for weeks & yet i still failed one of my best subjects!
I admit at the beginning i didnt do the work as i should have but the way my teacher taught just didnt come to me in a way that i could grasp. So anyways about a month into the semester I decided that i needed some extra help, so i went to the admin and requested some. they said they couldnt give me any help. So my last resource was to go to my worker for a tutor. She told me she would look into it. 3 months later she comes to me telling me she has a tutor for me, great timing woman-i have less than a month letf before exams!
My tutor and myself worked our asses off for the next month, She is in University but she still found the time to come help me about 3 times a week!
All the work that i had from this class i did, and after a week or so of someone else other than my teacher explaining it to me, i really understood it.
Now its exam time- i go to school ready as i will ever be and start at my exam. This test, 10 long sheets, front and back, theres no way im going to be able to finish it in two hours. Formulas, word problems? what the hell do i start with.
2 hours pass and i still have 4 full sheets left. I just lost atleast 40% of my exam mark, all because that fucking bastard made a test that would take him TWO hours to write., and when we asked him how we were saposed to finish that in two hours if it takes him two? he just walked away. WHAT THE FUCK how the hell can us STUDENTS do a test in the same amount of time it takes the TEACHER. I mean the same fucking ASS HOLE who wrote the test?
But wait, it gets better. I figured because i worked so hard & he saw that, that he would atleast talk to the school and get them to put me into the class next semester, the fucking pricks told me summer school! what the fuck, all year ive tried to get help, noone helped me, & yet your not going to do someone so easy as to put me in the class for next semester? Why the fuck not?
it gets even more tender.
i go into my room to study for yet another exam and my fucked up aunt tells my grandma i had a bad day so who calls me but my grandma. To make me feel worse. I know its not her intention but she still did. Shes telling me how i didnt do what i should have to pass, AND YET THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD CAN SEE HOW MUCH I"VE WORKED MY ASS OFF!!
Mehhh all i know is this shit hole i live in is nothing better than the fuckin bile in my stomache!
whenever she comes up, it comes up bad.
Im so close to just saying forget it and making it so that nothing hurts anymore.
School,
Boys,
Food.
Nothing will hurt me.
I will be gone.
- Mood: numb
Why cant i just be naturally thin? Why is it that no matter what i do i dont see that im losing?
Yesterday someone told me i was getting slim & thats not the first time it has been said to me. This woman across the street -she is crazy when it comes to noticing things about people-she found out about my cutting problem when i had one and told my aunt- the thing is i didnt even know this woman then-& i ALWAYS wore sweaters! She just thought something seemed odd! Anyways she told me i lost alot of weight & asked if i was trying-i told her no but i was & i didnt notice it. I dont own a scale but none of my clothes feel different on me!
I wish i knew how much i weighed i wish i knew wether or not i was loosing! I wish there was someone on LJ that had the same stats as me and was struggling the same way i am :(
im not exactly what they call ED. Im either ED-NOS or i have Partial Disorder, I wish i knew what it was. Because i know for a fact i have a problem! Its actually more of a fear of food, & an embarassment when im saposed to eat infront of someone.
Sorry to ramble on like that, but i just had to get that off my chest! I'm still waiting to be accepted into the pro-ana community. Its been almost 2 months i think! Maybe only one but im not sure-it just seems like forever!
- Mood: depressed
| Day | Weight | Calories Used | Your Calorie Deficit |
| 08/24/2007 | 168.59 | 2773.93 | 1973.93 |
| 08/31/2007 | 164.67 | 2744.4 | 1944.4 |
| 09/07/2007 | 160.8 | 2715.32 | 1915.32 |
| 09/14/2007 | 157 | 2686.67 | 1886.67 |
| 09/21/2007 | 153.25 | 2658.45 | 1858.45 |
| 09/28/2007 | 149.56 | 2630.65 | 1830.65 |
| 10/05/2007 | 145.92 | 2603.27 | 1803.27 |
| 10/12/2007 | 142.33 | 2576.3 | 1776.3 |
| 10/19/2007 | 138.81 | 2549.73 | 1749.73 |
| 10/26/2007 | 135.33 | 2523.56 | 1723.56 |
| 11/02/2007 | 131.9 | 2497.78 | 1697.78 |
| 11/09/2007 | 128.53 | 2472.38 | 1672.38 |
| 11/16/2007 | 125.21 | 2447.37 | 1647.37 |
| 11/23/2007 | 121.93 | 2422.73 | 1622.73 |
| 11/30/2007 | 118.71 | 2398.45 | 1598.45 |
| 12/07/2007 | 115.53 | 2374.54 | 1574.54 |
| 12/14/2007 | 112.4 | 2350.99 | 1550.99 |
so this is if i restrict to 800 cals or less! I hope it works!
| Day | Weight | Calories Used | Your Calorie Deficit |
| 08/24/2007 | 169.78 | 2782.91 | 1282.91 |
| 08/31/2007 | 167.23 | 2763.73 | 1263.73 |
| 09/07/2007 | 164.72 | 2744.82 | 1244.82 |
| 09/14/2007 | 162.25 | 2726.2 | 1226.2 |
| 09/21/2007 | 159.81 | 2707.86 | 1207.86 |
| 09/28/2007 | 157.41 | 2689.79 | 1189.79 |
| 10/05/2007 | 155.05 | 2672 | 1172 |
| 10/12/2007 | 152.72 | 2654.47 | 1154.47 |
| 10/19/2007 | 150.43 | 2637.2 | 1137.2 |
| 10/26/2007 | 148.17 | 2620.19 | 1120.19 |
| 11/02/2007 | 145.94 | 2603.43 | 1103.43 |
| 11/09/2007 | 143.75 | 2586.93 | 1086.93 |
| 11/16/2007 | 141.59 | 2570.67 | 1070.67 |
| 11/23/2007 | 139.46 | 2554.66 | 1054.66 |
| 11/30/2007 | 137.36 | 2538.88 | 1038.88 |
| 12/07/2007 | 135.3 | 2523.34 | 1023.34 |
| 12/14/2007 | 133.27 | 2508.03 | 1008.03 |
| 12/21/2007 | 131.26 | 2492.96 | 992.96 |
| 12/28/2007 | 129.29 | 2478.1 | 978.1 |
| 01/04/2008 | 127.35 | 2463.47 | 963.47 |
| 01/11/2008 | 125.43 | 2449.06 | 949.06 |
| 01/18/2008 | 123.55 | 2434.87 | 934.87 |
| 01/25/2008 | 121.69 | 2420.88 | 920.88 |
| 02/01/2008 | 119.86 | 2407.11 | 907.11 |
| 02/08/2008 | 118.06 | 2393.54 | 893.54 |
| 02/15/2008 | 116.28 | 2380.18 | 880.18 |
| 02/22/2008 | 114.53 | 2367.01 | 867.01 |
| 02/29/2008 | 112.81 | 2354.04 | 854.04 |
& this is incase i screw up.! but ill still only try to stay at 800 or less & if i mess up ill go by this one and then ill reach my goal sooner than i think :)
what do you all think???
- Mood: crappy
HW:172-Gross!
LW:120
CW:172-as of last january-not allowed to have a scale anymore :( -Still Gross!!(im a fatty)
GW1:145
GW2:130
GW3:125
GW4:110
- Mood:Fat! :(
someone please help me :(
- Location:bedroom
- Mood: crappy
So I just came home from Vacation, and i feel SICK! I ate so much junk-it was only one weekend but still! Anyways tomorrow starts day one of my fast. I think im going to trick my matabolism by fasting one day eating a little the next day and then fasting two days and eating a little for one day and so on until i get to a five day fast.
What do you think?
- Mood: depressed
why is it that EVERYONE out there can get thin by not eating and/or purging & ive been doing it for FOUR years now and the only direction my weight goes is up - no even. Ive been the same size since grade seven and im going into grade eleven now!
I dont get how this works! I see people who are actually small and see how they say that they are still big and blah blah blah but yet im actually one of those people who actually fear food-never clears her plate-doesnt eat unless she is forced too & yet im still one of those girls who 'look' like they dont care about their body size.
if anyone can give me some pointers on what i can do i would be so thankful!
- Mood: crushed
Im so confused beacuse ive been reading some of the post from the ana community and some of the people on there are striving to be so thin! I want to be thin but the pictures on there scare me. maybe im not true. I want to be thin but not look sick. I just want to look & feel good. Am i the only one like this on the site? Im addicted to counting calories-i dont own a scale so the only way i know if im losing weight is if my clothes get to big for me. Im actually a big girl like really big-it runs in the family. The last time i was weighed i weighed 172 and im 5"4 ! IM HUGE. im overweight but my weight has been going up and down for 3 years now beacuse im scared someone will notice!
Am i the only one who is like this on this site?
- Mood:
blah
SOMEONE PLESE HELP !!!!
- Mood:
curious
& now im off to walk in the rain for about 2 hours :)
- Mood: disappointed
but i will just write how i know to.
im not sure if i starve myself and binge for attention or not. I do know that i try to hide it but my aunt always find out so it never works out for long. My mother has an ED and thats why my aunt keeps a good eye out for what i tend to do.
I want to be thin but it just seems like my body wont get there. If anyone can relate or make it clearer if i am looking for attention at the same time could you reply.
It sounds weird when i think about saying it to someone, but i know it will sound somewhat okay in here, but i want an eating disorder. Im not sure if i would be diagnosed at this point with an eating disorder, but i think i might have partial syndrom.
- Mood: confused
